last night I had horrible dreams about waking up late - over and over again. It was frustrating and made it so I got little to no sleep. Oh well. I have to finish my essay this morning because yesterday I was working on it at the school and then forgot to attach it properly when I sent it to myself at home. The joys of university computers. Yesterday Ryan and I had to walk around for almost an hour to find a computer in one of the labs because they were all full. We ended up giving up and I wrote out most of the essay by hand and only at around 4:00 pm did we actually find computers to use. Carleton has lately had a shortage of computers, library books, and study space within the library. Sometimes I wonder why we were capable of funding a whole new gymnasium for our school (which we actually couldn't afford and are still paying off - I work at the alumni office where we call people to hassle them for money - though I'm not the caller) yet we can't afford to purchase the one thing that our school needs, library books. It's funny; to me one needs only professsors and library books to run a university, yet our library is the most pathetic I have ever seen.

The exam crunch is beginning and I realize that I only have a week and a day to memorize almost 90 slides for two art history exams on the 8th. great. And that's like a quarter of the work I have to do for both exams. hopefully it will go better than it sounds.

last night at Jeremy's. Photo taken by my new 19 year old friend Jessica. Very nice girl. She took my picture with my eyes closed, now she owns me.

last day in this city is on the 15th of december, but I have exams from the 8th-14th, so do not expect to see much of me.

why does it take an entire day to go to the gym and the art store. and then the art store isn't even open anymore. i hate the bus system in this city. but only in the winter time and i'm sure my judgement is affected by the work to rule thing. but still. if a blog isn't for complaining, then what is it for?

i'm way behind on photo posting.

My friend Clarence and his friend mark came to visit in September. And I just got working on the photos now. i thought it'd be nice to post a few.


Clarence. And clouds. oh the clouds were absolutely wonderful that day. Look it's still warm then!


This is taken by the National art gallery, between the legs of the giant spider.


this speaks for itself I think. we went down town, to see the sights. Clarence had never been here before.
This is Ryan, Clarence (in the hat) and Mark (shooting pictures)


(this is where the BC pics begin, see a description below for the reasoning.) WARNING: these pictures below aren't mine. I only edited them. except the portraits of Dave and topher.













So i just wrote a post and realized that I didn't do what I was actually going to do.

Lately my friends have been giving me pictures of outwest for some reason, usually BC in particular.

My Friend Dave Puzak (see picture below) went on a trip for a month this summer with his girlfriend Kathryn, to BC. There were a lot of pictures taken and because i am the best friend in the world, I edited them for him. Some of these are WAY over the top, but who cares? Memories like that should be. I just left them at the top of this post because organization on blogs is not my forte.




My friend Topher (Christopher Johnson) see picture below. Sent me the following pictures to edit He's in BC right now for Grad school, so he took these shots from where his school is. (see pictures below him!)

(why can I never get these pictures to line up? )

and it's still snowing.

here are a few
quick pictures I took from my balcony. I've decided not to leave the apartment today just because. they are way over the top. i'm not feeling very realistic today.

i'm feeling very tired today and had a mighty hang over from last nights poetry-a-thon. and then the after party with sock ryan and I at paddy's.


currently listening to death cab: a movie script ending because it reminds me of Sarnia. and I'm i've begun to doubt that everything I thought was figured out, is. I'm doubting my decision to return.

readings

last night was the tree reading. it was interesting. i read. it didn't go awfully. better than expected really. a lot of clapping (which I don't know how to respond to). Some lady in the bathroom burst out of the stall while I was washing my hands and told me how great I was, which made me feel AOK. A lot of drinking upstairs afterwards with Rob Mclennan and a fella named Jeremy who works at the writers festival. A lot of drunken conversation. ripped up coasters by jeremy ( we all have our neuroses). Rob told me about the Oblongs and then I watched it with him and do not understand how the father can drive with no arms. but still, very funny. The night was full of interesting events, needless to say.

Tonight was Inwords launch of their monthly mag. The photo on the front (by me) looked pretty wicked even though I took out of the window of a moving car on a trip to Toronto this summer with Rob. I secretly have always liked the picture they chose, but thought it not art because of the circumstance. Anyways, they made me feel better about it. Buck 65 read. It was okay. It seemed like he needed to prepare more, and he had some stuff for show and tell but I was drunk and in the back and couldnt' see anything. I hate getting drunk more than twice a week, and then getting drunk two days in a row is not good either. but oh well. the life of a poet i guess.

Rob boosted my confidence last night about my photography. Hopefully while in Sarnia I'll actually find the balls to send my pictures somewhere. I do like them. and I am proud of them. I hope someday to find happiness in my art work, oh and money!. haha.

right now my lips are stained purple, and lord knows there is nothing I can do. My friend topher has just sent me some photographs that I get to mess around with on photoshop, so I will spend the rest of my night doing that. I am happy and thrilled. I may have another glass of wine, but can justify that because tonight I saw the person I hate the most in the entire world at the inwords reading. This kid I used to live with. He was dating my best friend and we moved in together for four months. He was crazy. Lets leave it at that. But for all you in the outside world, Imagine seeing the person who made you feel like the most worthless thing ever created. I was mad he was at something that was mine, a poetry reading! I know he was only there because buck 65 is from nova scotia and so is he. but I fucking hate that kid. I wanted to leave immediatly. It took all the strength I had not to just run. So pat me on the back.

Anyways, I am in fact leaving on december the fifteenth. if you out there want to hang out with me before then, email me, or leave me a message. I was thinking about having a party, but fear no one will come. so let me know if you will. I don't care if you know me. If you live in ottawa and you think i'm funny rsvp. haha.

last night was shoppers drug mart christmas party at the congress centre. As two people I know work there, I was forced to attend. here is me preparing.

morse code

the public is crowding
yesterday
like
it was a sign but

‘it's
all phonetics’


I say.

the phrase
catches and remains
between my
tongue and jawbone till it
loses almost all meaning.

but not all.

leaves me with only
mouthfuls
of willow trees and

dry coughs of
jet streams.

pictures from the day.

i could organize all these pictures, but I won't.

programmed reaction

things are up in the air here right now. I might be moving home next semester.

but for now, look out for the in/words cover coming soon, because hopefully (and if I get it done on time) one of my photographs will be on the front. yay.

reading checkov and listening to wilco

So I am doing my english paper on Chekhov's, Lady with a pet dog. It's a short story and it is so beautifully written. He has such poetic writing, I think that's what attracted me to this story. Plus it's about finding true love in a world that does not allow for it, and trying to handle the contraditions between societal love and true love. It's quite the story. I might go into more detail about it at another time, but I need to rest on it tonight. read it.
I am listening to "how to fight loneliness" by Wilco.

Today I slept in until 1pm. Normally I wouldn't do that but I could not get to asleep until around 7:30 in the am. My head was full of pictures of british columbia that I had been sent earlier in the evening. It made me want to run away from this city and go some place new and different. Some foreign locale.

lately, part of me wants to take a year off next year and rent an apartment in Sarnia and write and make art. I could work a job to pay off some of my loans, but actually devote myself to writing. Living costs are low in that city and so I could get a reasonable place for pretty cheap. I don't know, I'm considering it. I think that being on my own completely would be helpful to me. Everyone will have left sarnia at that point. I would be left to fend for myself. I wonder how I would do. That city always welcomes me home.

self portraits, portraits and autumn (again.)

self portraits: favorite winter hat.
















taken the same time that the series last week was, I was just too lazy to put them up.
Rober Lee eating a cupcake at last nights wine and cupcake party. Adam and Sock at the Yacht club reading a few weeks ago. Max and Jesse at the same reading ( hence the hat!)

casualties.


the dim hallway 60 watt
arranges me in shadows on the mattress.
shadows on the walls
vestiges of a whole self.


the backdrop a frozen city
behind unfastened pane

my legs tangle in the
jersey blue of matching linens.
a juxtaposition of
immensity and structure
of defined lines draped in
cubist shape.

a cut-out with appendages
softly giving up to your vocal chords-
to the weight of your sighs dropping
octaves – sugary words between
pauses of silence
an angry
waltz through the stillness.


gently, trees break in the twilight

– bruising beneath your frost.

Cassiopeia ( the winter sky)

You are calling my name across counties, to
fumble through the wide country roads.

so, I will
at the onset of snow,

come upon your city slowly.

Beneath the bridges
I can feel you
resting in the water,
with your eyes turned ever upwards
awaiting my arrival
but
hopeful I misread the map.


we can omit these betrayals.


stitch them into the walls of my childhood home
barricade the screen door

the December winds are furious when
lovers meet
in the pre-dawn


they encircle us with hailstorms
while we struggle with words -
apologize before we even begin.

create(d) wreckage


I.
The street runs parallel to my porch
an unbalanced beam in white lattice.
Under the front stairs the shadows
are tapestries by mid afternoon on the sand
and wood chips.


II.
I
am learning how to combat you in daylight

so when evening
fractures my skin in night
I will not come unhinged.

III.

I will not
splinter into fragments

onto which the mid afternoon can so easily

make tapestries of me.

new poems of yesterday

subsistance



I grope for the lingering way around shore,
in ignorance of November;
bare feet triangles fixed in the mud
and sand.

this time of year
tastes of death and
the confusion of youth.

the past subsists only
as solid formations of
sinewy muscles that stretch
between limbs.

these slips of your hands,
a battery of signals unsettled,

compulsive symbols.

by midday the sky glazes grey
and arched,

a Gaussian blur of silhouettes and
Goldenrod foliage


disposable dixie cup drinkers*


Boiled lips speak in poetical gestation,
this room is a fountain of infancy.

dirty banisters- wooden strips
stippled with black and shadows

canopy over head,
while the kitsch of 1970’s fans turn in graceful
refrain.
a combination of
sloppy alcohol intake and
populated egos spread beneath

in chaotic circles where limbs
drape over limbs


* title is from wilco song: I am trying to break your heart.

more pictures

autumn in ottawa.

Went out yesterday and took some pictures around Mooneys Bay. These are the ones i've gotten up so far, all taken with my digital rebel. I really wanted them to have texture to them. Really dark but with very saturated colours. I have a few new polaroids too which I will put up.

Last night's reading was definatly an interesting one. More about it later, when I have time

update on my life instead of deep intellectual thoughts.

tonight is the "The Peter F. Yacht Club first ever reading/regatta". It's at 7:30/8ish if anyone wants to check it out. i'll be there, perhaps even with bells on.

first group of essays/midterms is finished. Now I have no essay due until the 21st of november. thank god. (if he exists, i'll give him credit for this one)

Now i'm spending my days editing other people's essays, working at the alumni office, and generally being lazy. Because frankly i'm worn out! Now is the time to request favours of me because this week is pretty much all i've got off and then it begins again.

Found out how to apply to OCAD yesterday, now i'm trying to figure out how to convince my grandma to let me take a loan out from her for four years instead of the bank. that would be nice and easier, and I know she can help me. I've already done the bank loan/osap thing for these four years, and if I have another four years of this, there is no way I'm going to be able to get out of debt ever. Oh the joys of coming from an impovershed family. woot.